The school year began with giggles and smiles and words like "freedom," "fun," and "amazing." There was laughter, hope and a brightness about her when she returned from her day. But today, day three of school, dyslexia reared it's ugly face in the form of a math worksheet with words like "integer," "generate," and "represent". They all might as well be Chinese characters. She simply could not read them. Like trudging through thick mud we worked word by word as I interpreted. The mud got thicker, her mind got darker and dyslexia won. Hope checked out as she slumped into the couch and tried to hold back the tears.
It's time like these I wonder how in the world is she going to make it? How on earth can she do this at school?
Then my husband walked in, took the reigns and began his own journey through the treacherous mud. It didn't take long to hear laughter and feel the happiness as she says, "oh. Yeah. I get it." Hope flickered again. For 3.5 hours it flickered on and off as they trudged through the sludge.
He assured me this will be the year. That this will be it, "she is going to kill it this year." But my hope is still dim, if even lit at all. I've had hope before, and I've lost it many times. Year after year I have hope; since she was seven I've had hope. They say if you "catch" it early you will have the best success. They post story after story of "successes" and "clicking" and "light bulbs turning on". Well dangit we caught it early, we've tested, we've remediated, heck we spend $20k on a private school and $400+ every month in "therapy".
Immense sadness takes over me. How can one be successful in any aspect of life without the gift of reading? Third, MAYBE fourth grade reading level going into SIXTH. And that's probably on a good day. It seems like an unfair battle; one that she is going to have to fight uphill for the rest of her life.
I think of her future and imagine a life such as mine and wonder. How will she meet a worthy companion? Will she surround herself with good, successful people if she can't get into a church college? How?
Then as my son slammed the door front door he loudly proclaimed "I'm home! I ran around the lake twice and once around the block. I didn't think I could do that! I really surprised myself!" I try to hid the tears streaming down my face and find myself choking on the words coming out of my mouth: "I knew you could do it. It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it...isn't it?!"
The light of hope flickers again as I eat my words. Maybe this isn't a hopeless battle. Maybe there is a grander plan. Maybe just maybe this isn't just about her. Maybe I need to learn about a concept called faith; something divine, beyond my comprehension. Then a scripture flashes in my head:
"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation."
"After much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day come the that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is no yet, but is nigh at hand."
The dark clouds begin to dissipate. And as I take a deep breath I think to myself, "I can do this." I will keep "doing this" until that hope is rekindled and shines as bright as the sun. "I hope can do this..."
I can do this.
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